Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Going to Heckle Tonight

My main man Dino came through with some money seats behind the visiting dugout for tonight's Royals/Injins game. I plan on drinking a little too much during my finance class tonight and letting lose on the visiting Indians. Which reminds me of a semi-interesting story from the last time I went to heckle Cleveland.

It was the summer of 2000, the Royals were once again shit but I was a fan none-the-less. It was a Saturday double header that me and my high school friends weren't going to miss. Needless to say, there was significant drinking before the game. My friend PF3 and his girl never made it in. After a solid three hours of drinking in the 20+ of us settled into our seats in left field along the third base line. We quickly picked out target for the afternoon, Ben Broussard. Now I won't pretend that our taunts were in any way poetic, but they were loud and plentiful. We had the obvious "Broussard's a tard," and the juvenile, "What rhymes with Broussard? BITCH!" The smuggled fifth of Jim Beam further added to our fun. That was, until Royals security decided we were a little too aggressive for such a family setting. The first to get tossed out was my friend Jigga, somehow me managed to sneak back into the game only to be thrown out again. Shortly after that, the smuggled fifth of Beam was confiscated but no one else tossed. Later we were politely asked to tone down the profanity. No such luck. Fast forward to the fifth inning of the first game and Royal's security has had enough. I was asked to leave, but I wasn't going quietly. I quickly began spitting out line after line about repeated backing of the fist amendment, thank you Lebowski. This was getting my nowhere. I was no being escorted not by Royal's security but by the fine men of the KCPD. I learned something that day, cops get really pissed off when you ask for their badge number, threatening violence pissed off. By this time, me and my 20+ posse is outside the gates chanting "USA USA USA." On cop was sent to escort us to our car. Along the way he told me that he watched his friends die in the Gulf War to give us the right to act like jackasses at a baseball game. His poor career choices failed to impress me and I let him know that. He then clinched a fist but didn't strike me. Once at our car we were given two options, leave and we would be pulled over instantly for DUI or stay and would would be arrested for trespassing. After a brief negotiation we were allowed to stay for an hour to sober up.

Looking back my only regret is that we weren't more creative with out taunts. Any dimwit can swear, it takes a real heckler to heckle without profanity. But fuck, I was 20 years old, what did I know. I doubt I get that aggressive tonight (I save those efforts for when Boston comes to town) but I will be laying it on C.C. Sabathia. I hear he gave up golf to avoid injury. I'm a fat white guy and even I can play golf, what a pussy.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Belated NCAA Wrap Up

Yeah this is real late. Truth is, I've been pretty busy these days. My classes have me reading a lot, my girl is dragging me to the gym trying to get me to be less fat, and I've been fucking wailing on the piano, all of this has obviously kept me from commenting on the Rock Chalks National Championship.

So congrats to Kansas. I never really liked KU during the Roy years. The alumni in JoCo really knew how to piss a neutral fan off like myself off. On top of that I got sick of Roy signing white oaf after white oaf. But Bill Self, thats one likable dude. And this year's team was beyond likable. I'm happy for them, I actually got a little chocked up in the days to follow. You see KC never wins shit. Everyone thinks Philly is the ultimate sports bummer town but they can't hold a flame to KC. Granted this win didn't come from a KC squad but at the end of the night half the town was pumped while the other half was dreading the next day of work and dealing with overly obnoxious alum. So way to go KU. Way to go Brandon Rush, KC homegrown.

While I'm at it, fuck you Kevin O'Neil, you bald asshole. You took a team loaded with talent and shit your pants. I hope you're banished to coaching in Canada.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Joy of Firing People

I helped up hold the termination of an employee today. I'm on my companies dispute resolution committee. If an employee feels he has been wronged by management or wants to appeal their termination, they can come to the committee to have their case heard by their peers. I'm finding though, that I am in no way these peoples peers. I side with management almost every time, not always because I feel the company policy was properly enforced, but rather because I fail to view the people who are fighting for their jobs as and asset to the company. When we announced out decision to uphold this employee's termination I felt I was truly looking out for my boss', our shareholders', best interest.

Well that got me thinking in class. Everything looks like we're headed towards a recession (I predict a short one but a recession none the less). Unemployment rates are on the rise. So why doesn't my company (a manufacturing company of over 2000 people) doesn't announce a massive layoff? I see this benefiting in numerous ways. First we cut some fat. We cut costs for at least one quarter, probably two. More importantly we get rid of the lower performing employees. So with unemployment rates rising we take advantage of simple supply and demand, workers are in supply our jobs are in demand. We can take advantage of this situation and I'm sure we can improve the overall talent of our workforce. Most importantly it sends a message to the remaining wage slaves, "You are expendable, work hard or you will be replaced." I'm only an wannabe economist and a dude with some managerial training but little experience but I'm not seeing the downside in this plan.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

How to Ruin a Good Meal

Dear Dateless Douchebags,
I want to thank you for ruining what was an otherwise excellent meal at the Thai Place. You see, I love Thai food. What I love most is the smell, the fragrant curries clear my sinuses and excite my palate. Thanks to you two I couldn't enjoy my Gang Dang tonight. Rather than enjoying my exotic curry I was treated the the white trash taste and aroma of your Camel Lights. Hurry up and get emphysema so next time around I can enjoy my meal.

Monday, March 3, 2008

First Gig

Saturday night my band played our first legitimate gig. The reviews? WE ARE THE FUCKING TITS! Sure it was only a house party. Sure I'm currently sticking it to one of the girls who lives at the house of said house party. Still, someone had to come through with a mop to clean up after all the wet pussy produced by our wicked jams.

The highlight of the performance was when the police came to harass us about the noise and we immediately broke into Inner Circle's Bad Boys, complete with Cops is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement, all suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.

The band is feeling badass. We plan on hitting up some open mic nights and hopefully get ready for some more house parties this spring.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

The Anatomy of a Shitty Party

Throwing a party is not a difficult task. Especially if the guests are only close friends with low expectations. All you need is some music that’s not too loud as to inhibit conversation, some food that doesn't require a plate or napkin, and plenty of booze. Simple enough. Further, these minimum requirements can be meet on even the tightest budget. So where did the party I attended Saturday go wrong?

I attended a party Saturday night that was not just bad, it was horrible. Let's break it down. First the location, always important, in this case the party was at a rented room next to a bar. I hate bar parties, but even worse is being dumped in some back room or adjacent building, guaranteeing that no random bar patrons will mingle with party goers. That was the situation Saturday night. Too make it worse a room was chosen that has, without a doubt, the worst acoustics in Kansas City. I'm talking you are screaming, and still struggling to hear the person next to you. Now I understand, if the party was in a crowded bar it may be noisy, but then you at least have possibility of talking to and meeting a new person.

Okay so you've got a shitty venue, that's nothing some booze won't cure, right? Not when you have a cash bar. Ok, Mr. Party Organizer, you wanted everyone to think you're a big shot by digging into your deep pockets and renting out a bar. Why stop short and have a cash bar? I may be stepping out of line and speaking for other people but I think your friends would be more impressed if you got them shitty than if you held the party at a rented space. Thanks for the Bud Light keg though, you know I'm still an 18 year old college student getting drunk on shitty American piss beer.

Well at least there was some good music to tap your feet to right? Not so lucky. We all have one of those friends who, in their mind, has the best taste in party music and thus insists on playing the same, stale, overplayed playlist over and over again. He uses the opportunity to cover up the fact that he is rapidly approaching 30, still living in his parents' basement, driving around in his new sports car (with an automatic transmission), without ever remotely coming close to getting laid, and try to look hip. We all know someone like this. They embrace the opportunity to show their incredible range of musical taste. "Check it out man, this playlist has Morrissey and the Beastie Boys." Yeah, so did the party mix you had last time, and the time before, and the time before. Yes, I have heard Tapes N Tapes, about a 1000 times two summers ago. On top of it, we're still in a room with the worst acoustics in Kansas City and all I'm really hearing is the treble. If Morrissey wasn't depressing enough, only hearing the treble is true torture.

Still a party can overcome these shortcomings if party-goers are in the mood to get loose. But no, enter the ultimate party killer, euchre. Nothing kills a party like a deck of cards and the ultimate party killing game is euchre. Nothing like 4 people sitting around in a totally exclusive game all night. Even worse, nothing like multiple sets of people playing the same retched game. At this particular party I saw no-less than two euchre games and a table of girls sitting around playing solitaire. Fucking wild!

I didn't last long at this party Saturday night. Maybe about 45 minutes. As my girlfriend and I made or final rounds to say goodbye a friend, while sitting at a table in a corner shuffling cards in preparation for her next game of solitaire said, "You guys are leaving? Lame." If leaving a party where you can't hear the person next to you speak, without booze selection, with shitty music you can't hear and table after table of exclusive cards games is lame, I certainly don't want to be hip.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Snow Day!!!

What a glorious week this is turning out to be. I took Monday off to mourn the passing of another NFL season. Had an incredible productive Tuesday at the office followed up by a solid applied economics lecture. How does one top that? With a snow day.

Woke up this morning to about an inch and a half of snow. Doesn't sound like much but when you rock the rear wheel drive BMW and inch and a half might as well be a foot and a half. So me and the girl took the day off. There isn't a better way to spend a random Wednesday off than sucking down two cocktails before Deadspin's "What you missed " post and talk shit all morning. The drink of choice today, the white Russian. Thank you George for the vodka and Kahlua leftover from the Super Bowl.

The rest of the day was spent catching up on the Wire, doing a little homework, doing a little work work, playing lots of piano and napping. The roads are now clear and I'll top the evening off with a little weeknight Karaoke.

The markets have been kicking me in the nuts, Arizona just got slammed by UCLA and I was dead wrong about Obama getting his ass kick on Super Tuesday, but for one day; life can't be better.